“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.”—Josh Billings

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“A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.”—Erma Bombeck

Category: funny

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“A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.”—George Bernard Shaw

Category: funny

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“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.”—Groucho Marx

Category: funny

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“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.”—Bob Hope

Category: funny

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“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”—Steven Wright

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“A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.”—Yogi Berra

Category: funny

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“A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.”—Bill Cosby

Category: funny

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“Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper.”—Mark Twain

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“Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.”—Satchel Paige

Category: funny

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“Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.”—Groucho Marx

Category: funny

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“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”—Casey Stengel

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“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”—Charles M. Schulz

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“Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.”—Bill Cosby

Category: funny

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“Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”—Hedy Lamarr

Category: funny

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“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.”—Groucho Marx

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“As I get older, I just prefer to knit.”—Tracey Ullman

Category: funny

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“Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.”—Marilyn vos Savant

Category: funny

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“Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.”—Bette Davis

Category: funny

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“By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.”—Mark Twain

Category: funny

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